Discworld 07 - Pyramids

He knew about tortoises. There were tortoises in the Old Kingdom. They could be called a lot of things—vegetarians, patient, thoughtful, even extremely diligent and persistent sex-maniacs—but never, up until now, fast. Fast was a word particularly associated with tortoises because they were not it.

Ptraci gave this some consideration.

‘And that’s a mocracy, is it?’

‘They invented it in Ephebe, you know,’ said Teppic, feeling obscurely that he ought to defend it.

‘I bet they had trouble exporting it,’ said Ptraci firmly.

‘What’s Ephebe like?’ said Ptraci.

‘I’ve never been there. Apparently it’s ruled by a Tyrant.’

‘I hope we don’t meet him, then.’

Teppic shook his head. ‘It’s not like that,’ he said. ‘They have a new Tyrant every five years and they do something to him first.’ He hesitated. ‘I think they ee-lect him.’

‘Is that something like they do to tomcats and bulls and things?’

‘Er.’

‘You know. To make them stop fighting and be more peaceful.’

Teppic winced. ‘To be honest, I’m not sure,’ he said. ‘But I don’t think so. They’ve got something they do it with, I think it’s called a mocracy, and it means everyone in the whole country can say who the new Tyrant is. One man, one—’ He paused. The political history lesson seemed a very long while ago, and had introduced concepts never heard of in Djelibeybi or in Ankh-Morpork, for that matter. He had a stab at it, anyway. ‘One man, one vet.’

‘That’s for the eelecting, then?’

He shrugged. It might be, for all he knew. ‘The point is, though, that everyone can do it. They’re very proud of it. Everyone has—’ he hesitated again, certain now that things were amiss — ‘the vet. Except for women, of course. And children. And criminals. And slaves. And stupid people. And people of foreign extraction. And people disapproved of for, er, various reasons. And lots of other people. But everyone apart from them. It’s a very enlightened civilization.’

There was a guard standing just outside the room. Teppic drifted past him and climbed carefully up the wall. It had been decorated with a complex bas relief of the triumphs of past monarchs, so Teppic used his family to give him a leg up.

‘I’m here to rescue you,’ said the demon.

The man peered up at him.

‘Rescue?’ he said.

‘Yes. Why are you here?’

The man hung his head. ‘I spoke blasphemy against the king.’

‘How did you do that?’

‘I dropped a rock on my foot. Now my tongue is to be torn out.’

The dark figure nodded sympathetically.

‘A priest heard you, did he?’ he said.

‘No. I told a priest. Such words should not go unpunished,’ said the man virtuously.

We’re really good at it, Teppic thought. Mere animals couldn’t possibly manage to act like this. You need to be a human being to be really stupid.

He didn’t know what she had done, but judging by the thumps she was landing on the guards, it was a pretty good bet that she had done it to the very limits of her ability.

Dios bent down to the level of the mask’s ear holes.

‘Her name is Ptraci,’ he said. ‘A handmaiden of your father. She has refused to take the potion.’

‘What potion?’ said Teppic.

‘It is customary for a dead king to take servants with him into the Netherworld, sire.’

Teppic nodded gloomily. It was a jealously-guarded privilege, the only way a penniless servant could ensure immortality. He remembered grandfather’s funeral, and the discreet clamour of the old man’s personal servants. It had made father depressed for days.

‘Yes, but it’s not compulsory,’ he said.

‘Yes, sire. It is not compulsory.’

‘Father had plenty of servants.’

‘I gather she was his favourite, sire.’

‘What exactly has she done wrong, then?’

Dios sighed, as one might if one were explaining things to an extremely backward child.

‘She has refused to take the potion, sire.’

‘Sorry. I thought you said it wasn’t compulsory, Dios.’

‘Yes, sire. It is not, sire. It is entirely voluntary. It is an act of free will. And she has refused it, sire.’

The two craftsmen eyed one another.

‘Gern,’ said Dil patiently, ‘certainly they’ll notice. But they won’t say anything. They expect us to, er, improve matters.’

‘After all,’ said the chief sculptor cheerfully, ‘you don’t think they’re going to step up and say “It’s all wrong, he really had a face like a short-sighted chicken”, do you?’

‘Thank you very much. Thank you very much indeed, I must say.’ The pharaoh went and sat by the cat. It seemed that people only had respect for the dead when they thought the dead were listening.

Lights also burned late in the house of Ptaclusp Associates, Necropolitan Builders to the Dynasties. The father and his twin sons were hunched over the huge wax designing tray, arguing.

‘It’s not as if they ever pay,’ said Ptaclusp IIa. ‘I mean it’s not just a case of not being able to, they don’t seem to have grasped the idea. At least dynasties like Tsort pay up within a hundred years or so. Why didn’t you—’

‘We’ve built pyramids along the Djel for the last three thousand years,’ said his father stiffly, ‘and we haven’t lost by it, have we? No, we haven’t. Because the other kingdoms look to the Djel, they say there’s a family that really knows its pyramids, connysewers, they say we’ll have what they’re having, if you please, with knobs on. Anyway, they’re real royalty,’ he added, ‘not like some of the ones you get these days — here today, gone next millennium. They’re half gods, too. You don’t expect real royalty to pay its way. That’s one of the signs of real royalty, not having any money.’

Look after the dead, said the priests, and the dead would look after you. After all, they were in the majority.

Dios, First Minister and high priest among high priests, wasn’t a naturally religious man. It wasn’t a desirable quality in a high priest, it affected your judgement, made you unsound. Start believing in things and the whole business became a farce.

Not that he had anything against belief. People needed to believe in gods, if only because it was so hard to believe in people. The gods were necessary. He just required that they stayed out of the way and let him get on with things.