Leah on the Offbeat

That girl is a suburban dad’s midlife crisis in a high school senior’s body.

here’s why I don’t do school dances. I know exactly how tonight will play out. Everyone will get sloppy drunk, and then they’ll talk about how drunk they are, and then they’ll beg me to drink, too. Because it’s proooom night. Because I should just try it, just a sip. Drunk people are basically zombies. Once they’re infected, they want to take you down with them. Seriously, even my friends are like that, and we’re supposed to be the nerds. Fuck that.

I guess it’s either that or haunting the aisles of Publix, warning the baby moms how fast it all flies by.

Here’s the thing, though: no one ever warns the babies.

I just. I don’t know. I totally figured you were kind of a country club kid.”

“Well, I was, in a way.” He smiles. “I was a caddy.”

“That is . . . a golf thing, isn’t it?”

“Nailed it,” he says. And it’s strange. I feel lighter. Like maybe this nerdy dude can stick around if he wants. Maybe Mom could use a bootleg Prince William to distract her. I guess it’s either that or haunting the aisles of Publix, warning the baby moms how fast it all flies by.

Here’s the thing, though: no one ever warns the babies.

I don’t get how people walk through life with all their windows wide open.

Can ambiguous social situations kindly go fuck themselves

Yeah, that’s a fucking joke. Let your guts hang out. I don’t even get that. Why would anyone want to live like that? Like it
isn’t bad enough I’m always one breath away from falling apart. I’m supposed to fall apart under a spotlight?

It’s too much. And I don’t want to embrace the suck. I want things to not suck. And I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

There’s this tug in my chest. Because when Bram says Simon’s name, he pronounces every part of it. Like it’s worth being careful over. It’s really sweet and everything, but wow. I get so jealous sometimes. It’s obviously not just Simon and Bram. It’s couples in general. And it’s not about the kissing stuff. It’s just—imagine being Simon. Imagine going about your day knowing someone’s carrying you in their mind. That has to be the best part of being in love—the feeling of having a home in someone else’s brain.

DESTROY THINGS IN MY dreams.

I scream and argue until everyone hates me, then I wake up in tears from how real it feels

I don’t even respond. I just side-eye him to hell.