The Highly Sensitive Person

Most people confuse sensitivity with shyness. That is why you heard “You’re too shy.” People say a certain dog, cat, or horse was born “shy” when it really has a sensitive nervous system (unless it has been abused; then it would be more accurate to say it’s “afraid”). Shyness is the fear others are not going to like or approve of us. That makes it a response to a situation. It is a certain state, not an always-present trait. Shyness, even chronic shyness, is not inherited. Sensitivity is. And while chronic shyness does develop more in HSPs, it needn’t. I have met many HSPs who are almost never shy.

Does your pause-to-check/advisor system rule alone, thanks to a quiet activator/warrior-king system? That is, is it easy for you to be content with a quiet life? Or are the two branches that govern you in constant conflict? That is, do you always want to be trying new things even if you know that afterward you will be exhausted?

This kind of HSP would be both very curious and very cautious, bold yet anxious, easily bored yet easily overaroused. The optimal level of arousal is a narrow range. One could say there is a constant power struggle between the advisor and the impulsive, expansive warrior within the person.

So sensitivity—the subtle processing of sensory information—is the real difference once again. Notice how psychology has described the two systems as having opposing purposes. How like the opposition I described in the last chapter between the warrior-king class and the royal-advisor class.

To me this is a very significant part of being intelligent. So I prefer to give it a more positive name: the automatic pause-to-check system.

This system is said to move us away from things, making us attentive to dangers. It makes us alert, cautious, and watchful for signs. Not surprisingly, this system is hooked up to all the parts of the brain Kagan noted to be more active in his “inhibited” children.

Just remember as I discuss Kagan that sensitivity is the real trait and that a child standing still and observing others may be quite uninhibited inside in his or her processing of all the nuances of what is being seen.

This intensified his arousal when he tried anything new while others were around. He could never seem relaxed and normal. It was a painful time but nothing to be ashamed of.

Think of three major changes or surprises in your life. Choose one—a loss or ending—that seemed bad at the time. Choose one that seems as if it should have been neutral, just a major change. And one that was good, something to celebrate or something done for you and meant to be kind. Now follow these steps for each.

Your first reframing task is to think about three major changes in your life that you remember well. HSPs usually respond to change with resistance.