Pillow Thoughts III

t doesn’t have to be two in the morning to think about you. I think about you when I am filing through the moments of my day. And yet at 2 a.m. when I am thinking about you, I am also pretending what it would feel like to be in your arms.

The things we thought we knew may not always be true, but at the time they felt very real. It’s okay to cry about this, to talk about it. As long as, in the end, you let the expectation go.

If you asked me if she deserved a second chance, it is likely I’d say no. Not because people don’t deserve second chances but because some people are so toxic for your mind it becomes dangerous. And even if I don’t want to see her cry, and even if I wish her happiness, the truth is it’s hard to know if someone like her will ever be happy. My heart was so heavy, every day after she broke my heart. But it’s lighter now, stronger. I can sleep at night without the nightmares. I can look in the mirror without the long questions about my own worth. So, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I hope I never see her face again.

You said we had something special
but you’re a liar
and now I’m waiting here alone
trying to forget your smile helped me breathe
trying to forget you were all I needed

I’m learning to love myself, especially the thoughts in my mind. I’m learning that sometimes I will have dark thoughts and other times I won’t, and both are okay, as long as I remember I am always worth it.
You told me that what we had wasn’t enough
so you turned around and walked away
You left me in pieces with a broken heart
now there are so many reasons I don’t trust
anyone who says they want me forever
Because you caught me off guard

For some it is your smile or eyes they notice first. They talk about how beautiful your hair is, how words roll off your tongue in elegance. But for me, it is more in the way you hold yourself. Even after everything, you hold yourself in a

Words look different on pages than in your mind. On pages, they sit quietly, waiting to be read. But inside your head, they’re screaming, angry, hurting, bleeding red.

don’t think about you when I’m lonely; I think about you when I’m doing the things I love. And I don’t know what makes me feel sadder, the fact that I miss you when I can’t share my day or that I’m still thinking about you late at night.

You can completely shatter more than once in your life, and every time the pieces come together, you’ll look a little different, think a little different, and the way you carry yourself may change. But above everything, inside all those pieces is a fire burning. You are more than the moments your eyes sparkle, more than the days a cloud hangs above your head. You are capable of building yourself again.

There is beauty in the chaos of living.