Dare to Fall

I’m scared because I know the impact losing someone can have; I know just how badly grief can affect someone; I know how much it changes people.

I know, because I’ve watched it change us too.

The right timing can make things go wrong, but the wrong timing can also make things go so right.

The tiny smile Mom gives Dad is full of sadness, but then she turns back to the counter and scoops up the five empty bottles of wine into her arms. “No more drinking,” she announces with fragile determination. She moves across the kitchen and dumps the bottles by the back door. “I’d like a drink right now, but it looks like we don’t have any wine left in this house anymore,” she says. She walks over to Dad and places her hand on his shoulder, looking down at him. “I will try this on my own for now, but if it becomes too difficult, I will get help. Okay?”

I hear the honking of Will’s Jeep out front, but I don’t care. Overwhelmed by a mixture of emotions, from pride to relief to joy, I dump my bag and my textbook down onto the table next to Dad and throw myself at Mom. Wrapping my arms around her, I pull her against me and hug her tight. I didn’t realize how badly I wanted to hear her say these things until now. She buries her face into my hair and hugs me back even tighter as though she’s afraid to let go, and she whispers, “Sometimes I forget that I’m still lucky enough to be a mom.”

During Physics, I find it impossible to concentrate. I try, I really do. But no matter how hard I try to focus my full attention on Mr. Acker as he discusses vectors, my mind always wonders elsewhere within a matter of seconds. I’m thinking about Mom, hoping she’s managing on her own. I’m also thinking about Jaden. I have yet to see him, but it’s only first period. I’m still angry, but now it feels like it’s more out of a sense of hurt pride. His truthful words were harsh but necessary, and they seem to have gotten the message across to Mom that she has been grieving the wrong way for four years now. But Jaden still did not have the right to talk to my mom the way he did. He didn’t have the right to get involved. It could have backfired. Luckily for him, it didn’t. So I forgive him, but not entirely.

“I really am going to need you now, Kenz.”

I press my face against the soft material of his hoodie, tightening my arms around his torso, and I listen to the steady beating of his heart as I nod against his body, my eyes squeezed shut. “I’m here,” I whisper.

And this time, I really am.

Kenz, do you know that you drive me fucking crazy?” he asks, with a small hint of a smile. He moves his hand to my jaw, gently cupping my face, tilting his head toward me. “Because you do. But,” he whispers, “I’ll take it, because I never stopped loving you either.”

Because I am in love with you, Jaden,” I whisper. “I never stopped.”

I am not just falling in love with Jaden Hunter anymore. I am in love with Jaden Hunter.

Okay,” Jaden says with a small smile. “I like you even more than I did an hour ago, and I thought that was pretty impossible,” he admits, “so thanks for proving me wrong.”

I’m so sorry. I just couldn’t, because I thought you would never find those answers. I thought you would be a different person. I thought you would never be happy again, and I couldn’t bear to watch that happen all over again.”

But there is nothing Dad can do to make it all stop. He doesn’t know how, the same way I don’t, the same way Mom doesn’t. We are broken, and no one knows how to fix us