Bitter Sixteen

There are no winners and losers in life. People talk about triumph over adversity, but life is adversity. Some things you can shrug off and then you can go about your business once more, other things may grind you down or kill you. It’s all about putting yourself in the best possible position to continue your story. You can win or lose against a speeding train or a bolt of lightning, but you can’t beat existence

Who’s been filling your head with such preposterous notions?’
‘Good word that. Preposterous.’
‘Isn’t it? A wonderful word to get your tongue around. It’s like soliloquy or ethereal or somnambulist.’

I fell back against the pillow and made myself calm down, and pictured comforting things until I slept again. A rainbow. A lizard on a leaf. A plate of spaghetti and meatballs. A wide, lush meadow. Ben King inside a giant flaming wicker man. Usual happy place stuff.

He was tall and built like a brick shithouse and always looked slightly confused, and he had a pierced eyebrow and liked rugby and tractors. That was the extent of him as a person. In some ways, he was almost an existential tragedy.

me. I have a superb sense of direction so I’ll find my way back easily. I like cats. I can use a human toilet.’
‘Really?’ said my mother.
‘Do I look retarded or incontinent to you?’ asked Daryl, frostily.
‘Sorry.’ My mother is apologising to a dog, I remember thinking. In genuinely humble tones. This is the best thing that has ever happened to anyone.

To be fair to them, they adjusted to the idea of a talking dog fairly quickly. It was amazing really. They had always seemed so grounded in a very specific interpretation of reality, and here they were holding a conversation with a beagle.

next room. I finished my eggs and toast and stared down at my plate, at my knife and fork, at the crumbs and hardening stains of yolk. Normal plate, one of about twenty identical plates we’d had forever. Normal cutlery, same old faded red handles. Normal breakfast, same old eggs that come from chickens that come from eggs and so on. Normal day, same old being a bit older than I had been before.
EXCEPT I CAN FLOAT IN THE AIR I CAN FLOAT IN THE AIR I CAN FLOAT IN THE AIR WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE SHIT I CAN FLOAT IN THE AIR.

Luckily, life is generally constructed in such a way that your world starts small and sensible and gradually gets larger and weirder. There’s a gradient, a logical, incremental process that expands your horizons and your perception bit by bit, so that it doesn’t overload your poor little CPU and leave you jibbering in a white room being fed thrice daily through a letterbox. This tends to be the way of things.

‘Stefan Mohamed really stands out from the crowd – a delightfully funny, surreal and original new voice with a great storytelling gift.’
ANDREW DAVIES, Multi-BAFTA and Emmy award-winning screenwriter