Witches Abroad

“There’s nothing wrong with happy endings,” said Magrat hotly.
“Listen, happy endings is fine if they turn out happy,” said Granny, glaring at the sky. “But you can’t make ’em for other people. Like the only way you could make a happy marriage is by cuttin’ their heads off as soon as they say ‘I do’, yes? You can’t make happiness…”
Granny Weatherwax stared at the distant city.
“All you can do,” she said, “is make an ending.”

Mrs Gogol stopped and raised an arm. There was a flurry of wings.

Greebo, who had been rubbing obsequiously against Nanny’s leg, looked up and hissed. The largest and blackest cockerel Nanny had ever seen had settled on Mrs Gogol’s shoulder. It turned on her the most intelligent stare she had ever seen on a bird.

‘My word,’ she said, taken aback. ‘That’s the biggest cock I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a few in my time.’

Mrs Gogol raised one disapproving eyebrow.

‘She never had no proper upbringing,’ said Granny.

‘What with living next to a chicken farm and all, is what I was going to say next,’ said Nanny.

‘Mean little devils. You should see the prices they tries to charge me when I takes my broom to be repaired,’ said Granny.

‘Yes, but you never pay,’ said Magrat.

‘That’s not the point,’ said Granny Weatherwax. ‘They shouldn’t be allowed to charge that sort of money. That’s thievin’, that is.’

‘I don’t see how it can be thieving if you don’t pay anyway,’ Magrat persisted.

‘I never pay for anything,’ said Granny. ‘People never let me pay. I can’t help it if people gives me things the whole time, can I? When I walks down the street people are always running out with cakes they’ve just baked, and fresh beer, and old clothes that’ve hardly been worn at all. “Oh, Mistress Weatherwax, pray take this basket of eggs”, they say. People are always very kind. Treat people right an’ they’ll treat you right. That’s respect. Not having to pay,’ she finished, sternly, ‘is what bein’ a witch is all about.’